"When will I Laugh again?"

"When something is really, really funny"

Two years ago, I asked my friend Amy (pictured above, where I am doing perhaps the fakest smile ever to play across my lips) if I would ever be happy again. Because at that time, I really didn't think I was ever going to be. I was broken hearted, barely eating and desperately unhappy with the path I had chosen. One day, I was just unable to carry on. I'm not proud of it, I was hurting and self indulgent and wallowing in self pity. Every small decision was too  much for me to handle and every disappointment was a personal failure. Hauling my ass to the other side of the world sort of helped, but I only came back to the same problems.

I still do fake smiling in Singapore.

I am not able to pinpoint a turning point exactly, talking with the friend who saw me through the worst patch indicates I did most of the hard work myself, though I did spend a very lonely Christmas in a freezing cold house crying under a duvet and pretending I was fine to anyone who contacted me. I think we all have to have one of those Christmases to really put things into perspective. 

It is not like I can even say "and then suddenly it was all OK" Being OK involves the elimination of several negative aspects, and a simultaneous break of sorts. I got a new interim job, moved in with some boys who were really good to me and slowly, the vice around my heart got looser and looser. 

People ask me why I still shot self portraits at this time, I wanted to prove to myself I could still create something good, even though it was a single photo a day. Looking back two years, I am damn glad I kept a record of all of it because this far down the line I know, without hesitation, that I came through it and if nothing else I have solid proof that things DO get better. 

The picture taken by Anna at the lowest point in my life. I wish i was kidding. I'm not.

We are back on an even keel now. I know that things might get rough again but I will know how to tackle them. Bring it on. I wanted to write this as proof that things don't always totally heal but they do improve, even if you can't see it at the time. Christmas is a horrific time for so many people, it might be possible you know someone who is struggling just to get through the end of what might have been the biggest battle of their life.